"I've Been Hurt So Many Times, Lets Be Realistic I'm Only A Statistic To You."

Just a little blog post to say - I'm not cut out for being the only girl in a household! This weekend Mum went away and immediately I sorta automatically was given her role. I did some cleaning, all the cooking, and occupying my brother yesterday whilst she wasn't there. I'm not complaining - it was just a shock.

Anywho :) How's everybody ?




(Blog title: Statistics by Madina Lake)

"Here We Are At The End, Say Goodbye To All Your Friends. Here We Go Watching The Sun Go Round, Sitting On A Rooftop, Making Time Stop...."

Just a little blog to say; sometimes the choices we make are heartbreaking, but most of the time they work out for the better. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?

Recently I've done a lot of thinking : A LOT of thinking. About those people I used to call friends. I know around February and March I did a lot of angry posts, and bi-polar posts about how I didn't need my friends to be happy and that I wouldn't spare a thought for them, nor would I miss them.

Well... the first part was true.

Truth be told, I miss them more than a heart misses a beat.
I miss laughing with them about Alex Davies' hairstyle.
I miss swooning over people in bands and pretending we were them...
I miss driving two hours to see them, feeling excited and planning what to do the entire way.
I miss going into town and buying the most random things.
I miss sitting in parks and 'boy watching'.
I miss eating candy in the rain.
I miss having those heart to hearts only a friend can provide.
I miss sharing clothes and make up.
I miss silly little arguments about whether the string on a guitar is a or c.
I miss singing loudly and out of tune to songs.
I miss getting ready for parties together.
I miss dying each other's hair.
I miss going to the cinema and laughing in unison at the film.
I miss being criticised for my weirdness.
I miss crying together over past relationships.
I miss watching chick flicks and eating ice cream.
I miss laying out on the grass and writing songs.
I miss pretending to be three years younger to get a bus ride cheaper.
I miss my feet hurting from epic shopping trips.
I miss playing top trumps in the back of a car.
I miss eating chocolate coated strawberries (and sticking our heads in the chocolate fountain)
I miss getting drunk and dancing in heels on a wall.
I miss three of us sharing a single bed.
I miss complaining about the lack of space in said bed.
I miss walking miles to a skate ramp and getting stuck at the top of it.
I miss random phone calls to random brother's mates.
I miss buying childish cups from Claires accessories and refusing to part from them.
I miss pretending to be said random brother and his friend.
I miss playing little big planet and making it an epic movie.
I miss dressing up randomly.
I miss photoshoots.
I miss shooting music videos in the woods.
I miss rolling around the football pitch and getting filthy.

I miss last summer, and all it should have been, and all it wasn't. The tears, the heartaches, the laughter, the smiles, the dancing, the singing, the groaning, the fights, the hugs, the talks, the shouts, the stupidness, the sensibleness.

The friends that once were, and never could be again.

RIP last summer.

"It's the end of the summer, it's the end of it all. Those days are gone, it's over now. We're moving on...."




Now who will wipe away my tears??



(Blog Title and Extract: End Of The Summer - Theory of a Deadman)

"I Am A Vampire, I Am A Vampire"

"I CAN STILL SMELL IT!!"

Let me explain. We went to the woods today - me and Emily - and we played Eclipse for a bit (having been to see it on Saturday night). I was being Jasper and Emily was being her created character Heart, who drank human blood but didn't tell me.

The game went like this :

Heart feeds whilst Jasper hunts. Heart is Jasper's sister, so they meet up again.

Jasper: I can smell human blood.

JASPER sniffs the air confusedly.

Heart: A human must have cut themselves on a branch or something...

JASPER sniffs more.

Jasper: Suppose

The pair flit.

Jasper: I can still smell it!!

~


So the idea was hatched about New Moon... the bit where Jasper tries to kill Bella over blood.. Emmott drags Jasper away, but then Jasper appears on the other side of the window, pressed against it - JASPER: I CAN STILLL SMELL IT!!! - Emmott drags Jasper away again - JASPER: NO NO NO!!

That night, Bella has a nightmare about Victoria. There is a noise at the window and Bella sits up.. Jasper appears : I CAN STILL SMELL IT!!!




You had to be there...


WOO!! TEAM JASPER!

"If You Still Care You'll Never Let Me Know"

Quite a long one, I'm afraid.

So Iona tried to get back into contact. She text my mum saying 'This may be a bit too much to ask, but could you put me in contact with Millie. I realise how hideous we all acted'. So I decided to give her a chance... hear her out. So I contacted her on Yahoo.

This is what I said:
This is so hard for me, actually talking to you after so long of thinking I'm better off without you and the others. Thing is I wanna forgive all and be friends with you again so bad, but truth be told I don't know if I can bring myself to be hurt so much again. The friendship we had was so bloody amazing, I lay in bed when I can't sleep most nights thinking of last summer and being in Charli's bedroom and getting ready for the Murder Mystery - dying your hair blue then grey. I look back on all the pictures regularly... but each picture brings the scars back to fruition as well as the happiness. I guess the issue is trust, and if you all could badmouth me so much on that facebook comment branch, then what did you say about me with each other? Friends are supposed to be there for each other ALL the time, and friends are supposed to be supportive and happy for other friends. Niall doesn't want me to be even writing this - with good intentions and plenty of reasons - but I figured no harm has really ever come from a few words. Ha.. lie of the century. I don't know if I can put myself in such a - now apparent - vulnerable position again. I don't know if I can ever really trust any friends as much as I trusted you guys. I don't know if what happened will ever happen again.... insert Iona's answer here.

So many times I've thought about getting back in contact with you again, but then I remember all the hurtful words and I stop myself. Maybe we should give it a shot - just me and you. NOT Thom and definitely not Tess. Not sure about Charli yet... but just you for now. Lets see what happens.


And then two days later she replied:
i'd love that. After we fell out i had a massive breakdown it was our fault, and i deserved it. I never wanted to hurt you :/ i'm sorting my life out at the minute and i'm not a bitch like i used to be, but i'm still nonie (: xx


So I replied:
Maybe we can give it a go then. I've changed an awful lot too. I'm much more confident with myself and happy with who I am and where I am. I've stopped being so dependent on people and I've decided to be a kid, not a grown up, because I realise one reason why you lot got all wound up was because I was being all Mumsy and kinda controlling, for which I apologise. It was just because I cared so much. When me and Niall nearly fell out bigtime because of it I realised I needed to take a step back and take it easy. :)

She didn't reply for a while, so I sent her one of my msn addresses (one I don't use much) and we got talking. (This was earlier today) To begin with we treated it like back when we first met over msn, via Charli. We got on alright, not much awkwardness. Reintroduced ourselves, 'Hey, I'm Millie. I'm sixteen and I'm a drama freak. I follow the Olympian religion and love Percy Jackson' and that worked great. But then we broke for tea and when we both came back we got onto the subject of how Thom, Tess and Charli changed and evolved (or devolved) over the past months. Thom is still a diva and has now lured Iona into the mirror trap he once encased me into. I was warning her about what he's capable of, but her replies were in his defence. I was saddened because I remember when I was once like that. Then we got onto the subject of Niall and I realised I'm not strong enough to get sucked into her world again. Immediately when she started talking about herself trying to 'be less depressive' I felt my chest begin to tighten once more and my happiness flowing away.

So I'm throwing in the towel, for good this time. I'm sorry, but peace pacts are obviously not how I play in this war ... learnt from the Goddess Athena.

So this is the pawn signing out once and for all from this chess board. Thom (King) is impossible to put into check whilst his queen (Iona) is by his side. He manipulates her with sweet words - words that instead of enchant, ensnare and pull her down, down, down. Tess and Charli, the rook and knight, will never give up their posts, but are as disposable as tonights pizza wrapping.

So long black and white chess board, hello colourful world.

Hey, I just hatched an idea for a short story.

Toodle oo, back to happy me.

Pawn to 3-dom. ;)



(Title: Snuff by Slipknot)

"When You Need Someone To Save You When You Think You're Gonna Drown, Just Wrap Your Arms Around Me And Pull Me DOWN" (Time To Say Goodbye)

Some lyrics for the ex friends who are trying to get back in contact... here's something dedicated to you. The bit at the end is highlighted in bold because that's the most relatable... :)

(Time To Say Goodbye by Simple Plan)

Youtube link here so you can hear it : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1O3cPp3oX4A

I just don't want to waste another day
I'm trying to make things right
But you shove it in my face
And all those things you've done to me I can't erase
And I can't keep this inside
It's time to say goodbye

On the first day that I met you
I should have known to walk away
I should have told you you were crazy
And disappear without a trace
But instead I stood there waiting
Hoping you would come around
But you always found a way to let me down

[Chorus]
It's time to say goodbye
(I just don't want to waste another day)
It's time to say goodbye
(Cause things will never be the same)
It's time to say goodbye
(You make me think I need to walk away)
It's time to say goodbye
It's time to say goodbye

After all the things I've done for you
You never tried to do the same
It's like you always play the victim
And I'm the one you always blame
When you need someone to save you
When you think you're going to drown
(Think you're going to drown)
You just grab your arms around me and pull me down

[Chorus]
It's time to say goodbye
(I just don't want to waste another day)
It's time to say goodbye
(Cause things will never be the same)
It's time to say goodbye
(You make me think I need to walk away)
It's time to say goodbye
It's time to say goodbye

Now I'm gone
It's too late
You can't fix
Your mistakes
I was trying to save you from you
So you scream
So you cry
I can see
Through your lies
You're just trying to change me
(Trying to change me)

Somewhere in the distance
There's a place for me to go
I don't want you to hate me
But I think you need to know
You're weighing on my shoulders
And I'm sick of feeling down
So I guess it's time for me to say goodbye