"Lights Will Guide You Home, And Ignite Your Bones. And I Will Try To Fix You."

Sunday 21st March 2010

11.30pm: Millie closes her laptop and goes into her bedroom. She does the usual, gets ready for bed, puts the stereo on with soft music to sleep to, gets into bed, closes her eyes. She drifts off into a deep sleep.

Monday 22nd March 2010

12.30am: Millie dreams of her deceased Grandmother, who died 12 years ago of multiple heart attacks. It is a troubled dream, though unlikely to be. Her grandmother only stands in a field of wheat wearing black. She holds out her arms to something to her left....

1am: Millie's Grandad wakes up with pain in his jaw and shoulder blade. He calls for Millie's mum, his daughter. She diagnoses a heart attack and aalls emergency services.

1.30pm: Grandad and Millie's Mum depart for hospital.


The days pass... Monday to Friday. Grandad gets better in hospital.

Yet Millie remains freaked out. She has had history of psychic visions in dreams and frequently they are true. She is just waiting... still.

Touch wood.





(Blog Title: Fix You by Coldplay, covered by Secondhand Serenade)

"Seeing Is Believing, & Believing Is Lying"

Dictionary definition of 'Psychic' -
–adjective -
1.of or pertaining to the human soul or mind; mental (opposed to physical).
2.Psychology. pertaining to or noting mental phenomena.
3.outside of natural or scientific knowledge; spiritual.
4.of or pertaining to some apparently nonphysical force or agency: psychic research; psychic phenomena.
5.sensitive to influences or forces of a nonphysical or supernatural nature.

–noun-
6.a person who is allegedly sensitive to psychic influences or forces; medium.

-person-
Millie.

Over the years I have had visions and things like that which often come true.

Before I tell you some of them; Firstly, don't read on if you are a non believer. Secondly, understand 'psychic' is not the hollywood crap... reading of minds by looking at someone. Some psychics can do that, but most cant. There are many branches of being psychic. Some can read auras (such as me); some can talk to spirits; some can predict someones next move or sentence (I can do that sometimes); some say something and it turns out correct ('I reckon you'll meet so and so on Tuesday' 'I haven't seen him in ages' .. Tuesday: 'OH MY GOD, so and so!'... I do this sometimes) and some see visions in dreams (this last one is me).

When I was little I used to talk to my deceased great grandad when I was put to bed at night. I don't remember this, but my parents heard me over the listener. Butterflies (the spirits of the dead) seem to love me in Summer...

The night before Madeline McCann disappeared I was dreaming that I was walking on a beach - perectly normal - but then I was in a hotel room and the window was open. I could hear a child crying and then being led away. I followed her but then I woke up... Next morning her disappearance was front page news.

The night before the plane landed on the Hudson I dreamt I was on a plane and suddenly the floor gave way and we were in water....

Before me and my family were in a car crash, we were driving to school. Mum went a completely new way to what she usually went, and I got worked out about it. Then we crashed.

One night it was windy and I asked to bring the rabbit inside, my parents did. Next morning the hutch was smashed against the wall outside and the rabbit was safe.

The night my Grandad had a heart attack I dreamt of my Nanny - who died of heart attacks and was Grandad's wife.



Just stuff like that... and it's getting stronger...

(Blog Title: Sometimes I Wish I Was Born A Butterfly by AceOfHearts)

"So Sing Us A Song Of The Century"

You may want to let the video buffer before watching it so it runs smoothly.

This is a video that shows the major aspects of the last decade.

Made by me, I don't own pictures or music.

Music is Kings And Queens by 30 Seconds To Mars.

Comments are very welcome, hope you enjoy it.

(Blog Title: Song Of The Century by Green Day)

"Welcome To The Tea Party, Wanna Be My V.I.P"

Me and my brother made some fairy cakes yesterday and this is the result :



They were going to be 'eat me' cakes, but we had no writing icing, so they're 'anime' style buns instead - bright coloured and vibrant. They were blooming gorgeous aswell!! Lots of vanilla :G

I don't get how, though, my brother can watch me put colouring in, know it's just an ingredient like flour and egg, and then refuse to eat the cake 'cuz they is blue'.... ??

(Blog Title: Tea Party by Kerli (Alice In Wonderland OST) )

"We Swam In The Fountains, Beneath The Morning Stars. We Cried From The Laughter & Died In Each Others Arms. Remember, & Live Forever."

Here is an extract for my current book, due for publishing July 2010. All names, ideas, plotlines and characters are copyrighted to the author, which is me.

The story follows 17 year old Shamira Maddox, born 1773, died 1790. Shamira was a bit of a slut, always moving from bed to bed. But one night she got raped and murdered by a boy with electric blue eyes. Once entering Heaven, she goes through 'processing' and is deemed worthy of a second chance... then the fall begins.
Shamira - now officially a 'Fallen Angel' - is assigned to 17 year old Dinah Niyati, a rebellious girl, born 1993, who gambles with her life on a regular basis. It is Shamira's job to protect her from an unknown evil and reclaim her place in Heaven.
But can Shamira convince Dinah that her story is true and she is not just high on drugs, can Dinah keep up the secret act and try to set her life straight? Can Shamira protect Dinah as a Guardian Angel should, or is the evil force stronger than both girls expect?


Heaven Forbid (Extract)

“Like I said, time stops still up there. Why do you think I’m so hungry?” Shamira said. “It was fun watching the world change however. Watching people develop. I got tremendously life sick though.” Her voice tailed off for a moment, then she snapped back. “After the waiting room we were sorted into three groups. The first group were good and worthy enough for the Golden Gates. They were each handed gold halos and white wings.” She said it powerfully. “The second group was for Hell, for the really bad people. They were handed demon horns and a one way ticket to timeless torture.” Shamira’s eyes glittered. “And the third group was for the ones in the middle. The ones who were bad, but had good traits too.” She sniffed. “We were handed black halos and black wings and sent to a sort of concentration camp for a few years, or hours in our case. We had to wait for Lucifer, who would then come and brief us on our situation and assign us each a problem case to try and crack, in order to prove ourselves and earn our gold crowns and white wings.” Shamira sounded disheartened. “Then we were given a ‘substitute soul’ to live on, then pushed out into the atmosphere and that’s where the fall begins.” Shamira shuddered. “Plummeting to Earth at 500 miles an hour through the icy atmosphere.”
“How come you’re never seen?” Dinah asked.
“We are. What do you think shooting stars are?” Shamira asked.
“So say you’re telling the truth and you are actually a fallen angel...” Dinah licked her lips. “Prove it.” Her eyes glittered maliciously. Shamira looked at her for a few moments, surveying Dinah’s expression. Then, slowly, she got to her feet and stood in the middle of the kitchen floor.
“Are you ready for this?” Shamira asked. Dinah nodded, clutching the back of her chair impatiently. Part of her wanted to believe Shamira’s impressive story, but part of her knew it couldn’t be real.
“Impendo pennae.” Shamira said, softly, and instantly a beautiful pair of black wings sprouted from her shoulder blades. They were each about 5 foot long and curved upwards. Dinah’s jaw dropped. They were made of what seemed to be elongated crows feathers and looked incredibly soft and shiny. “Niger flos videor.” Shamira muttered and a black halo appeared above her head, bathing her in a silvery light. The halo shimmered and set rings of silver in Shamira’s long black hair. She had her arms outstretched in a powerful stance.
“Do you believe me now?” Shamira asked. Dinah nodded slowly, her jaw still hanging down. Shamira smiled and closed it for her. Shamira’s skin felt soft and cool, like it wasn’t really there.
“I’m dreaming. Imagining things. This can’t be real.” Dinah muttered.
“I could pinch you if you would like.” Shamira laughed, holding her painted nails up in a pinching gesture.
“I thought guardian angels were...” Dinah started, not sure how to continue.
“Were what? White, gold, pretty?” Shamira asked defensively.
“More... breath taking.” Dinah replied. Shamira raised an eyebrow.
“I could be breath taking if I chose to be. I could throttle you, that would be breath taking.” Shamira threatened, her whole personality sharpening.

.............


What do you think??

(Blog Title : Live Forever by The Rasmus)

"The Light In Your Eyes Keeps Fading Out, You Fall Deeper In The Hole "

Here is an extract from my current screenplay.

(C)

GODCHILD


GRANDFATHER
You look like her. And him.

SUDDENLY GRANDFATHER snatches forward and seizes CAIN’s wrist. CAIN cries out.

GRANDFATHER
You are cursed!

CAIN shuts his eyes tight. It goes black.

GRANDFATHER
Godchild.

THE TITLE APPEARS ON THE SCREEN AS GRANDFATHER SAYS “GODCHILD”.

Credits run over the following footage.

FADE IN
QUICKLY:

INT. CARRIAGE – DAY.

ON CAIN

CAIN awakes with a jerk. He is sweating and panting.

WIDE SHOT OF THE INSIDE OF THE CARRIAGE

RIFF sits opposite CAIN. RIFF looks worriedly at CAIN.

RIFF
Dreaming, Sir?

CAIN
Yes.

RIFF
Not a good one, I presume.

CAIN
My dreams are seldom good, Riff. I do not dream of good things. I dream only of odd things. Just once I wish I could dream of fine women or good fortune. But no, instead I get my Mother; neither a fine women nor a good fortune. Why must she always appear to me in my dreams? Why must she forever torment me with her memory? Is it not hard enough already?

RIFF
Perhaps she is checking up on you.

CAIN
She forever warns me of my Father. Saying that he is getting stronger.

RIFF
Your Father is dead...

CAIN
I am aware of that.


RIFF
I don’t dream of anything. Just darkness. And screaming.

CAIN
Personally, I’d rather that.

RIFF
At least they are only dreams, Milord.

CAIN
Yes.

CAIN looks out of the window. RIFF follows suit.


SLOWLY PAN BACK OUT OF THE WINDOW AND UP.


EXT. COUNTRYSIDE – DAY.

The carriage trundles through a short stretch of woodland along a well ridden road. It is a black carriage pulled by two black horses.

PAN UP TO SHOW A LARGE MANOR HOUSE

The carriage pulls off the road and into the large driveway outside the house. It stops outside the large front door.

ON THE CARRIAGE DOOR

RIFF gets out of the carriage door and opens the door wider for CAIN.

CAIN gets out of the carriage feet first with his black walking cane. He nods in thanks at RIFF.

RIFF shuts the door behind CAIN.

CAIN looks up at the Manor. There are people milling around outside, all in party gear. RIFF shuts the door.

ON CAIN AND RIFF

CAIN
Aristocrats clinging to the world of envy, jealousy, new money and authority. How is it the Mayfield Baroncy is able to host such a splendid, expensive party? Rumours have it they stand on the edge of bankruptcy.

CAIN steps away from the carriage as it pulls away again. RIFF hands CAIN his top hat.

RIFF
You shouldn’t dwell too much on rumours, Sir.

CAIN
Most likely this party is to please their beloved daughter, Victoria.

RIFF
They say she is quite beautiful.

CAIN
By my experience the beautiful people are always the worst to socialise with. So pretentious and full of themselves.

RIFF
Would you say that if they came to you for a good night, Sir.

CAIN laughs.

CAIN
Of course not. I’d welcome her with open arms.

RIFF laughs.

RIFF
I thought not. I see now why your sister frets about all the time you spend with women.

CAIN
Mary is still young. She’ll understand one day when she needs the company of a man.

RIFF
Although that Oscar would rip any potential suitor’s throat out.

CAIN’s face flashes with disgust.

CAIN
Oscar needs to grow up also.

RIFF
He certainly cares for Mary.

CAIN
A certain part of her he certainly does.

RIFF clears his throat awkwardly. CAIN looks at him.

CAIN
I suppose Oscar is a good man... deep, deep, deep down.

RIFF
Your opinion is your opinion, Sir.

CAIN
Although you think it is wrong.

RIFF
And my opinion is mine.

CAIN smiles. RIFF smiles back.

CAIN
Shall we?

CAIN puts his top hat on his head and begins to walk towards the house.

RIFF follows like a shadow.

CREDITS stop.



(I do not own the characters or the storylines. I am merely the screenplayer)

Let me know what you think :)

(Blog Title: Dancer In The Dark by The Rasmus)

"Why Shoulder Off The Crowd? Why Be The Only One..."

Today at Youth Theatre I was forced to endure pain as Thom and Tess hugged right in front of my eyes. I very nearly broke down crying there and then because I remember when Thom would rush in and hug me... but then I think - was I ever really that special to him? I was a shoulder for him to cry on, but never was he a shoulder for me to cry on - not truly. I was someone who made him look good, but never someone to make him feel good about. Once or twice did we ever truly have a heart to heart discussion, and this was back at the newborn friendship stage. He said once that he felt he could trust me more than anybody else in the entire world, and indeed he told me things he'd never told anybody else. It could have been a line, what he said then, but something in his eyes said otherwise. But then again, he is an actor. And he is also a mirror. You look at him and see what you want to see. You talk to him and hear what you want to hear. Not once does the mirror crack, only at the end and it shatters into one thousand tiny pieces. If he is truly that but a mirror, then I must endure 7 years bad luck, or look upon him a mere seven times before he is gone for good. I've currently seen him twice, and once more next week - so after that four more times and he's gone.
If you asked me four weeks ago if I could live without Thom, I would have said 'No' in a heartbeat, because he had me under his spell. But I've always had a knack for breaking curses and enchantments. Sure, his hypnotism worked for a few months, but everything must come to an end.
Since Tess came on the scene I've slowly come to feel more and more seperate from he I called 'Best Friend'. He would spend time with more people and never time with me. He would tell Tess things that he would not tell me.... like when he got a boyfriend... I didn't find out for weeks afterwards, when I heard it from Tess.
And don't get me started on Tess... I was never really close to her, not like I had been with Thom... but we got on and had a good laugh. I made the mistake of telling her things that I perhaps shouldn't have, things that basically hold life and death for a certain aspect of my life, and then she betrayed me with them. She always let me down - once left me sitting in Keswick for an hour waiting for her to get her arse out of bed... I don't know why - now looking back - I put up with it. But then, people have always been able to walk all over me. My song 'BeLIEve'... linked here: http://anarchyangel94.deviantart.com/art/BeLIEve-148546302 is about her... ironically it was the first song written in the book Thom got me for Christmas.
Just tonight, while watching Thom and Tess, I looked back on all the good times I've had with Thom and I nearly had to run out of the room in tears. He made me feel so special, so loved - like I belonged somewhere finally. And then - when I trusted him - he led me to the slaughter. He was almost like his beloved vampires in that way ... he looks perfect, acts perfect and speaks perfect; he lures you in, gets you believing - then kills you in one bite.
I just feel so sorry for all of his ex's who he screwed over, no wonder they left him, and all the friends and lovers he will have in the future. I give him three years - and then he'll realise what he could have had.

"You know you're nothing in my life, you're just a joke 'til the end." She Gets Around - Elliot Minor

"He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes." ~ Buddha ~

(Blog Title: All Along by Elliot Minor, which is my 'theme song'.. the song that best describes me)

"Losing The Feeling Of Feeling Unique"

Playing Card Dress, Eccentric Make-Up, Top Hat, Bright Red Shoes ... sound like a costume list for a low budget production of Alice In Wonderland. Well, it's not. This is just the typical outfit warn by me.
I wear odd and eccentric clothing to - as my Mum puts it - hide behind. Most people - when feeling self conscious or not confident - dress down and hide behind the crowd. I don't. I dress UP and stand out. It makes me feel good about myself. When people point and laugh at me, or even when they run away screaming, I just smile and think to myself 'Hallelujah, thank Lucifer for quirkiness'. I don't get why people want to dress normal and be a 'clone'... where's the fun and individuality in that? Everyone bangs on about 'being individual', when in actual fact hardly anybody has the guts to stand up scream to heavens "Hell, I'm individual, I'm original and I don't give a flaming SH@T!" For me, being different is a breath of fresh air. I thrive upon being individual, even when people shoot me down. Just today I was shot down, and sure, I felt like I wanted to rip my dress to shreds, pull my hair decorations out to the extent my hair came out with them, and scrub the make up off my face so hard it took my skin off with it, but that feeling passed quickly afterwards. Me not being individual is like a cat not having fur. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and yes, I may be branded a 'freak' and beaten down, but at the end of the day - it's only because the person doing the beating is too scared to admit their own individuality.

Hell, I am what I am, I am my special creation ! (See the 'song of the week')



~ "Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it.
Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held.
Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books.
Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin.
Believe nothing just because someone else believes it.
Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true." ~ Buddha ~

(Blog Title : Nine In The Afternoon by Panic! At The Disco)

" These Experiences Make Us Stronger, But Strength Makes Us Frail "

Check out my new song - I think it's cool. Let me know what you think please xxx

http://anarchyangel94.deviantart.com/art/Mara-155087893


(Blog Title : Mara by AceOfHearts)

"Dressed Up As Myself To Live In The Shadow Of Who I'm Supposed To Be"

May I recommend www.lumosity.com . It's a brain training site. You join it - for free, just email, password, username and bobs your uncle - and then you go on every day and take three tests. They're fun and easy games to test your levelling.

It's good (Y)

(Blog title: Sick Little Games by All Time Low)

"This Song Is Like A Poem, Not Like A Song At All"

Moose On The Loose (A Silly Poem)

Moose on the loose in the wilderness
He’s got kicked out for his creativeness
He liked to tell stories of cabbages and kings
And princes and fairies and wedding rings.
The others didn’t like it though
And they told poor old moosey to go.

He wanders out of the trees to the town
And stops to gaze all around
He wanders down an empty street
And then he hears an almighty shriek.
He gallops off to find the source
And finds a ginger cat stuck in sauce!

She has spaghetti all over their matted fur
Poor moosey must answer her purr.
He hooks her up in his mighty horns
And when she’s all out he warns
“Never get stuck in a spaghetti pool”
And the cat replied, “I didn’t you fool.”

The moose blinked back tears and shook his head
“I guess I’ll just continue my journey instead.”
The cat twitched her tail and her breath out she blew.
“I guess you can stay for dinner for two.”
The moose smiled a smile and stood by the dish.
“To think I’ve been telling stories of talking fish!
This is the life, the life here this is.
And it’s all thanks to you my young ginger miss.”

They ate spaghetti companionably for day after day
But then the moose stood to regretfully say,
“I must leave this town my dear kitty friend.
For I have relationships with friends to amend.”
The moose bowed his head and with a swish of his tail
He headed back south to the woods without fail.

By Me


(Blog Title: Someone 'Special' by AceOfHearts)

"What Do You Say To Taking Chances? What Do You Say To Jumping Off The Edge?"

Hopefully my first EP. (yn)
Whadya think?
:)

(Blog Title: Taking Chances by Glee Cast)

" Keep Holding On, Cuz You Know We'll Make It Through, We'll Make It Through. Just Stay Strong, Cuz You Know I'm Here For You, I'm Here For You "

In the style of the Oscars, I have a speech prepared to thank all the people who have helped me stay strong.


Announcer: The award for strongest person in a heart-breaking, life-changing situation goes to MILLIE

(Millie looks up, bewildered. She had no idea that this award would go to her, but nevertheless shes stumbles to her feet and makes her way up to the stage. She takes the award and stares at it, then takes her place at the podium. She clears her throat and looks out over the audience)

Millie: I didn't expect this, honestly. I didn't do anything special during this difficult time. I wanted no arguments... so I just stayed out of it. But people did fight my battles for me. Mum, thank you so much for being there when tears streamed down my cheeks because of the pain of the knife in my back. You hugged me and comforted me and talked with me long into the night. Dad, you were so supportive of it all and - although tempered - helped me finally come to the realisation of what a 'friend' truly is. Devan, you made me laugh... Lynn and Emily, you guys have been just as supportive about this whole thing through blog comments and hugs. I look forward to coming to yours again so I can get a true release. Oscar, you kept me sane and your hugs are warm and fluffy. La Toya and EmiIly... thank you guys for being so protective. And most importantly, Niall. You are the reason I kept going and stayed strong. You are my sunshine and my stars and I couldn't live without you. I love you. And now I'm being prompted to finish my speech, so thanks again to all of these people. Everything happens for a reason, and I've grown up and matured even more from this experience. At least now I'm prepared. They say if you get your heart broken it never heals... but mine has thanks to my amazing support. Sure, it'll be sore for a while and sometimes it'll pang for no reason, but I'll make it through.

(Millie kisses the award and then bows to the audience. She beams. This is a tremendous moment for her in terms of realisation. She then exits the stage, award held high. She's made it through the rain, and baby the rainbow is beautiful)



(Blog title: Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne)

"This Is A Town With No History, Welcome To Mystery

Wonderland

Twinkle twinkle little bat.
How I wonder where you're at?
Up above the world you fly
Like a tea tray in the sky.
Oh twinkle twinkle little bat,
How I wonder where you're at?

One trip,
One fall.
That's all it takes to make it through
Today.
One trip,
One fall.
That's all I want to make it through
Today.

Hold onto your hats,
Because I'm going to get out of here.
I'm going to reach the surface again.
Hold onto your hats,
Because I'm coming back.
Oh yeah, I'm coming back.

Welcome to Wonderland,
Welcome to Hell.
Welcome to the place of dementia,
We all know it well.
Welcome to Wonderland,
Welcome to the dead.
You'd better hold on tight,
Because you're going to lose your head.

One breath,
One smile.
That's all it takes to make you want to
Cry.
One breath,
One smile.
That's all I want to make me
Cry.

Hold onto your hats,
Because I'm going to get out of here.
I'm going to reach the surface again.
Hold onto your hats,
Because I'm coming back.
Oh yeah, I'm coming back.

Welcome to Wonderland,
Welcome to Hell.
Welcome to the place of dementia,
We all know it well.
Welcome to Wonderland,
Welcome to the dead.
You'd better hold on tight,
Because you're going to lose your head.

Eat me, drink me,
Quadrille around with me.
Will you dance or will you cave?
Eat me, drink me,
Quadrille around with me.
Will you dance right to your grave?

Hold onto your hats,
Because I'm going to get out of here.
I'm going to reach the surface again.
Hold onto your hats,
Because I'm coming back.
Oh yeah, I'm coming back.

Welcome to Wonderland,
Welcome to Hell.
Welcome to the place of dementia,
We all know it well.
Welcome to Wonderland,
Welcome to the dead.
You'd better hold on tight,
Because you're going to lose your head.

I don't want to go among mad people.
I'm afraid you can't help that.
We're all mad here.

Twinkle twinkle little bat.
How I wonder where you're at?
Up above the world you fly
Like a tea tray in the sky.
Oh twinkle twinkle little bat,
How I wonder where you're at?


A song inspired by Alice In Wonderland.
I went to see it today and it is now officially my favouritist film ever in the whole entire world! I'm going to see it another gazillion times, no doubt. :) Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? One of his best roles to date I think, and he has a LOT. Jack Sparrow takes the cake though ... :L ... followed by Willy Wonka :)
I highly recommend the film to all :) ignore the bad reviews.

Oh, and Lynn, you've been very quiet recently!

(Blog Title: Welcome To Mystery by Plain White T's (Alice In Wonderland OST) )

"My Baby Is A Dancer In The Dark"

"Amaya cocked her head to one side and sniffed deeply. From where she was perched on the end of the banister, she could smell the subtle ecstasy that was young blood. It was pumping through his veins as freely as the river before it plummets into the pool. It made Amaya’s mouth run dry just smelling it – imagine the taste. It was enough to make her lose all control and pounce on him. The boy in front of her trembled so much Amaya could hear his joints sliding around. She smiled – the hungry smile she always used on victims. Her eyes shone red and one corner of her mouth slid up in a wolf like smirk. Slowly she ran her tongue over her fangs, her mouth slightly open so the boy could see. Amaya could hear his heart about to pack up and stop beating. Amaya laughed softly, the kind of laugh that would send chills running all over a victim’s body. The boy gulped loudly, then stood up straight and cleared his throat.
‘Bless him.’ Amaya thought. He was trying to be brave. Maybe she would humour him. Besides, that made it more fun...."

"Dancer In The Dark"
Due to be published May 7th.
Characters and Story (C)

(Blog Title: Dancer In The Dark by The Rasmus)

"I Believe If You Need Me To, I'll Risk My Neck, I'll Go Down With You"

I like making quizzes, so I made one for Elliot Minor songs... and then took it myself. My answer was...


To take it yourself, copy and paste this in the bar at the top :)

http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/16298096/which-elliot-minor-song-are-you



To take others... copy and paste this :)

http://quizilla.teennick.com/my/stuff

The friend situation is over. Niall finally had the last word and then blocked off all contact.. I just have to see Tess tomorrow at YT but I won't talk to her...

The Doctor's And The Nurses They Adore Me So! But, It's Really Quite Alarming Because I'm Such An Awful F!ck!

http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/16293664/which-epic-rock-song-are-you This is a quiz I made :) check it out ! :) (It would be very much appreciated)

This argument thing has been going on almost a week now.... I never wanted it to go on so long. I wish everyone would just forget about arguing and continue their own lives.... I'm being accused of not being brave enough to fight my own battles when actually I don't want to fight any.. neither me or people fighting them for me. I appreciate all Toya and Emiily have done for me, but I really didn't need it.
Hopefully the spark'll fizzle out soon... but now the frightful four are sending me threats about punching me and slapping me - both things of which are likely to cause internal bleeding and probably kill me. I really hate my life right now... the only good things are Niall, my family and Toya and Emiily for sticking up for me. I wish I was strong. I wish I was confident. But I never have been and never will be. I'm good at putting on a brave face when inside I'm dying... I guess that's good enough. But each night I still cry myself to sleep. The other night I had a dream that Thommie hugged me and said 'It's all forgotten, I still love you.' and I woke up and cried my eyes out until 4am (this is from about 2am). I'm scared to sleep now, but scared to stay awake. I think if I didn't have Niall and my parents I would have ended it... which is something I've never considered before in my life. That shows how bad this situation is.
But I won't, don't worry. :) Although I do very much want to return a vampire... I wouldn't have to guts and plus, Niall needs me. I need him too...

Just 4 and a bit weeks to go... I'll manage it. Somehow.

On the bright side, I have my old job back. There is always a brightside. Always light at the end of the tunnel, always silver lining on the black rain cloud. Buddha's helped me a lot too. And the bands I listen to... they speak to me when I feel like this. They tell me things to keep me strong.

Provehito in Altum (30 Seconds To Mars motto, it means 'Launch Forth Into The Deep' I think... )

"I'll keep smiling. I'll keep wearing this mask. After all, it's all I have."

Alice In Wonderland is out of FRIDAY!!!!

God this post is so bi-polar! Happy, sad, depressive, happy, depressive, odd, depressive.. random... lol.

(Blog Title: Blood by My Chemical Romance)



And for those who called me bitchy ...



"I Am Not Afraid To Keep On Living, I Am Not Afraid To Walk This World Alone. Honey, If You Stay I'll Be Forgiving. Nothing You Can Say Could Stop Me Going Home."
~Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance~