This argument thing has been going on almost a week now.... I never wanted it to go on so long. I wish everyone would just forget about arguing and continue their own lives.... I'm being accused of not being brave enough to fight my own battles when actually I don't want to fight any.. neither me or people fighting them for me. I appreciate all Toya and Emiily have done for me, but I really didn't need it.
Hopefully the spark'll fizzle out soon... but now the frightful four are sending me threats about punching me and slapping me - both things of which are likely to cause internal bleeding and probably kill me. I really hate my life right now... the only good things are Niall, my family and Toya and Emiily for sticking up for me. I wish I was strong. I wish I was confident. But I never have been and never will be. I'm good at putting on a brave face when inside I'm dying... I guess that's good enough. But each night I still cry myself to sleep. The other night I had a dream that Thommie hugged me and said 'It's all forgotten, I still love you.' and I woke up and cried my eyes out until 4am (this is from about 2am). I'm scared to sleep now, but scared to stay awake. I think if I didn't have Niall and my parents I would have ended it... which is something I've never considered before in my life. That shows how bad this situation is.
But I won't, don't worry. :) Although I do very much want to return a vampire... I wouldn't have to guts and plus, Niall needs me. I need him too...
Just 4 and a bit weeks to go... I'll manage it. Somehow.
On the bright side, I have my old job back. There is always a brightside. Always light at the end of the tunnel, always silver lining on the black rain cloud. Buddha's helped me a lot too. And the bands I listen to... they speak to me when I feel like this. They tell me things to keep me strong.
Provehito in Altum (30 Seconds To Mars motto, it means 'Launch Forth Into The Deep' I think... )
"I'll keep smiling. I'll keep wearing this mask. After all, it's all I have."
Alice In Wonderland is out of FRIDAY!!!!
God this post is so bi-polar! Happy, sad, depressive, happy, depressive, odd, depressive.. random... lol.
(Blog Title: Blood by My Chemical Romance)
And for those who called me bitchy ...
"I Am Not Afraid To Keep On Living, I Am Not Afraid To Walk This World Alone. Honey, If You Stay I'll Be Forgiving. Nothing You Can Say Could Stop Me Going Home."
~Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance~
Oh Tom! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteIt is awful that you are going through this. Stay strong,things will get better.We are here if you need us at all,just text and let us know if you need a shoulder......xxxxxxx
Thank you :) It's appreciated :) I literally told Iona to grow up and stop fighting a lost cause last night because she's really the only one still trying to fight. She stopped talking then, which is really what I want. xxx
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